She (The goddess I'm not worth of)

She is a constant reminder of how I'm not good enough to be anything significant in this world. All I feel is the constant resentment and criticism of a Person who feels as though there are a million people better than me. It is one thing to say that I am nothing more than a to You but what You do is show me one thing and then demonstrate how another is better than me. You are the reason why deep down inside I feel as though I am nothing more than a worthless being who love shouldn't be spent on. You are a child in a sandbox and my emotions are Your play things of which You constantly mistreat. I am someone who does not deserve love for I am not good enough for the feeling of having someone want me and I feel this way because of You. I thank You because I see that the route of being caring and nice is not the way to go because nice guys indeed do finish last.

I must not care for You because that is the only way You will ever notice me. I must be rude to You because that is the only way You will be attracted to me. I must hurt You because that is the only way You will love me.

Fear

I currently live in fear. Not fear of any physical magnitude but more of extreme emotional pain at the hands of a female. Of course I am not targeting anyone in particular with this post as this is directed to every female i have met and every female I will meet throughout my lifetime. I know this is going sound a bit extreme but it is something that has been crossing my mind lately. This is just me allowing you a glimpse inside the doomsday device I call my mind.

Fears are something that can cloud the lives of individuals and cause them to purposely make wrong decisions to avoid ever having to face those fears. Fears come in various different forms and attack different parts of a humans existence. Some fears are based off of traumatic experiences from ones childhood. Others remain dormant and reveal themselves in adulthood. Then there are those psychological fears that effect your thoughts and make you doubt people and the things they say.

A fear that is now beginning to grow in my mind is that of being alone. I fear that every girl I care for will one day find something better and leave me behind. I never realized, it until a friend brought it up to me, that every time I spoke about my future I never mentioned having a wife or children. Though I know that you can not plan for things like that but it made me think, what if my future goes as planned and I do end up a living the life of a lonely man with no one to share his success with?

I am someone who has had numerous women say they were in love with me but I have never been able to return that feeling. Of course all those women moved on and found some who was able to love them back. I sometimes wonder if I am even capable of being in love. I sometimes wonder if there could possibly be a woman out there who could understand me. I realize that my ability to understand other people sometimes leaves me misunderstood. The women of my past fell in love because of how well I was able to read who they were but the reason I couldn't return the love was due to the fact that they couldn't do the same to me which left them not truly knowing who I really was.

I will admit that I have gone through times in which I thought I was in love and that I had found someone who understood me. Unfortunately that was not the case. I am now able to identify love because I have seen different forms of things that were not love. Of course I still may be wrong about love but not knowing is part of the fun when it comes to the game of love. I just hope that I am able to succeed in this game.

There are many songs that describe the way I want to someday feel. This most shown in the song "You're my everything" by The Temptations. The words said in this song are so powerful and make me believe it is impossible to ever feel like this for another human being. There is no way anyone could really feel that extreme about the existence of another person. That simply baffles me.

Only time will tell if I am one of the chosen few who get to bask in the effervescent high that is love. Maybe my fears wont come to fruition. Maybe I would be alone in the future. Who knows cause I sure don't. I just hope my fears are wrong and that perhaps there will be someone who makes me see what the fuss is all about.

Anatomy Of The Word Love

I find it odd how people pair up and commit to one another by devoting their time and efforts to please the other. This is usually described by many singers and poets as love. Though this word is thrown around and used by everyone to describe their feelings for everything, it is clear that many may not understand the extent nor the ramifications of this powerful word. This word brings eminence happiness but it can also cause extreme pain if misused. This is more than just a word. People are willing to change their ways of life and even change who they are to feed their feelings of love for another person. This basically makes this word a way of a life.

People who seek love sometimes have standards that are too high to be met by another person. Its about seeing an imperfect person under a perfect light. You need not find someone who is picture perfect, but rather find some who fits into your picture perfectly. A good friend once broke it all in a single quote, "You arrive at love not by finding a perfect person but by seeing a imperfect person perfectly."

I hope that one day I am able to feel this euphoric feeling that causes individuals to act outside of their characters. This feeling that makes people act against the values they live their lives by. I want to find someone who makes me want to leap onto tops of roofs and declare my love with the entire city as my witness. Maybe one day I will feel the unthinkable. Maybe one day I will be overcome by this indescribable feeling. Just maybe...